To Whom This May Concern: A Random Post

Hello, reader.
     I haven't been posting very much on my blog lately. There are two reasons for that and they both relate to each other. The first reason is I haven't been feeling well at all lately (by lately, I mean the past few months). I almost can't recall a time when I've been perfectly fine. Both physically and mentally. The mental part is something I will keep private. As for the physical part... I have been feeling very sick for the past 4 months now. I don't really know what started it. Seasonal allergies are something I get all the time, but my parents and I feel like I'm dealing with something beyond that now. My dad thinks that my asthma is fucking me up again (I say again because I've had asthma problems since I was a baby. That's a story for another day) and as a result of that, he thinks I'll have to start using my good ol' nebulizer again. It's not a hassle to use, really, and it's not as scary as it may sound; I've gone through so many years without having to use it and it just kinda sucks that I'll probably have to start using it again because I haven't gotten better since June. I constantly wake up in pain and I am always in some kind of pain when I'm out and about. Some mornings, I can barely get out of bed. Some days, my muscles feel so weak that I literally just collapse on the floor when I get home. I believe that this isn't related to my asthma, but rather the fact that I'm just sick all the damn time and I don't get enough time to just rest and get better. This leads me to my second reason. I feel like having a blog is no longer... fun anymore. I hate saying that. It kills me inside. This blog used to be something I'd show off to other people. I'd check up on my page views constantly, and I'd get excited every time that number went up. Now, I barely check up on it. I really only do it if I have to post something. Posting anything to my blog used to be something I longed to do. Every time DP would post on the course blog that we'd have to post something to our blogs for homework, I'd get super giddy and excited; I'd plan out what to write during my classes and it was always on my mind. Now.... posting is something I almost dread. I'm such a perfectionist and I hate that about myself. I know that regardless of whether or not I want to do it, whenever I write something to post on my blog, I spend hours proofreading it, researching topics, etc., and it's something I really can't avoid. I constantly ask myself, "Do people even look at the things I post sometimes? Does the effort I put in even matter?" My parents used to constantly yell at me for staying up late. Often times, I'd be writing for my blog. The hours I spend busting my ass off posting and working, in general, would be better spent resting and getting better. Because at the rate I'm going, I don't think I'll be better any time soon.

I really really hope this is just a phase I'm going through. This blog has helped me speak my mind. This blog has helped me understand other people and it has helped me form stronger bonds with my peers. My enthusiasm for having a blog started off as a bright flame, and now it's just a mere flicker. I just hope that fire doesn't go out completely.


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